The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” ― Carl Gustav Jung
I share my time and space working with brave, resilient, intelligent and kind souls, and although they have all the ingredients of beautiful whole beings, they frequently struggle to believe and trust in themselves. They fear looking silly or saying the wrong thing, and in some cases, they are serious people pleasers, always putting others needs and opinions in front of their own.
Once people decide they want to live a life true to their own inner voice and not one to please others or find acceptance, they are ready to see and love themselves. Arriving ‘home’ to a true sense of self is not a simple thing for everyone, and we don’t all arrive at the same time, yet when we do finally arrive, it’s entirely liberating.
Why do I say this isn’t simple or easy?
In many cases, people have been hiding in order to avoid rejection from others and to fit in. Very often there needs to be an unraveling of layers to get to where they are comfortable opening up. Many of us believe we are being authentic until some occasion in life causes us to peel back another layer. I don’t believe I found my authentic voice until I was in my 40’s, that’s a long time to be sorting out my sense of self, yet I was unaware of the layers yet to be peeled back.
Change comes from within.
It takes time for people realize they’ve been keeping themself protected and they’ll need to reach a point where they don’t think or worry about the judgement of others. Several of my clients will be sharing a story and somewhere in the conversation I’ll hear ‘I didn’t want to look silly’ or ‘I didn’t speak up because I might sound silly.’ This type of thinking keeps us playing small. I sometimes find myself still seeking validation even in circumstances where I feel comfortable with my topic or idea.
Let’s talk for a minute about why this is challenging for so many people:
Fear of vulnerability, fear of getting hurt, fear of the pain of disconnection, fear of criticism, fear of conflict, any type of trauma (small t or big T). If you practice self awareness and do any kind of inner work, I’m guessing you know that most of our inner obstacles are some form of fear. Fear comes disguised as many things, but we all are intimately connected to it.
Bringing our whole true self to the table may disappoint others, yet we know that covering up part of ourselves keeps us feeling trapped or stuck.
I recently listened to a podcast by two very successful leaders and well known speakers. Surprisingly both of these people spoke at length about their fear of ‘getting it right’ and prior to getting up in front of a crowd, they still seek courage to speak without caring about how others view or judge them. Somehow it feels reaffirming to hear that highly successful and well known people struggle with the same type of fears I do.
Yesterday I was thinking about a few of my clients and friends who are either separated or divorced with children. It dawned on me how they have made this incredibly tough decision to free themselves from a union that wasn’t working and yet still struggle to enjoy and share their new life and the joy they’ve found because of what others may think of them.
They worry about judgement, they worry what their kids will think and feel, their friends and neighbors, and we don’t even realize that the whole world will also notice our freedom, and see and our chains come off at the same time we do.
Why do we trap ourselves in this sea of doubt. Why do we allow other people to define us and our happiness.
What does it take to live your life your way?
I believe it takes courage, empathy and kindness, starting with ourselves. This may sound a bit simplistic but in truth, when you learn to approach difficult situations and conversations with intention, you also have the courage to speak from your higher voice, your voice.
How does this benefit you?
You become intimately connected to your values, your intuitive self, you stop ignoring your gut and you love yourself even during the worst of days.
You can’t deny yourself to yourself or to anyone.
The rediscovering of the ‘self’ is at the core of my work with all of the people I have the privilege of co-creating with, and I have believed since the start of my career, that our authenticity is where we begin to know contentment and true joy.
Another great column, thanks. I think that judgment voice gets planted pretty early in life for some of us. We had little to do with it getting put there, and its sound in our ear is as natural as breathing air. There is energy required to hear it and set it aside -- over and over. A life-long process. Thanks for reminding us that there is reward in persisting.