Are You Friends With Your Inner Critic?
It may be time to lean in and work together on this ...
I recently wrote a post on social media suggesting we open up to our inner critic, get to know why they are here instead of feeling frustrated and angry with ‘them’. My thoughts were that maybe we can lean in with love and curiosity, to look closely at the fear, pain and grief they may be hiding behind.
Instead we seem to take a ‘stuff it back in’ there approach or we decide we don’t believe ‘them’ anymore, they aren’t needed now. It’s been my personal experience as a coach and as a human that this rarely a lasting remedy for myself or my clients.
A few days after this post, I was in a session with my coach, and surprisingly I was caught off guard by an old and familiar critic I sent packing long ago. Or so I thought.
A very old and deeply hidden critical message came seeping through the surface of our conversation, tears were welling up in my eyes. She approached me masterfully and with tenderness to walk with me as I rediscovered all I had been avoiding.
We often believe we have uncovered our doubts and fears and worst critics, but after that meeting, I know I have more to work through with this one.
I graduated high school at 17, and decided to attend Katharine Gibbs School for their one year program instead of college in order to escape significant trauma at home. A few days after graduation from Katy Gibbs, I was married to my high school sweetheart for pretty much the same reason.
Most of my high school friends went on to college and from there started their careers, some very successfully. My journey was a bit different, a bit adventurous with little direction.
Years later, at the age of 30, single with a mortgage, I decided to get my degree. It took about eight years going part time with a full time job at night but I did graduate with two majors and honors. And, at 58 I returned to school again for my coaching certification. What’s actually wrong with any of this? Nothing. These messages are bullshit.
Yet somewhere in the back of my mind, I still hear a voice telling me that all of this wasn’t enough, that if I had gone away to college when all my friends went, I would be experiencing greater success, that my life might be better, somehow. To be clear, on an intellectual level, I don’t actually believe any of this, and I am not sure if I would go to college today, (a great question posed by my coach).
I KNOW I wouldn’t go for a formal 4-year (or in my case, 8-year) degree. Yet I’ve let this nagging critic keep me wondering if I’ll ever be enough because I lived life in a different order than some people do, a voice I thought I had silenced years ago.
I kind of knew these thoughts may be lingering, but they rarely surface and only for moments. I did recognize them though, when they came up.
Today, I’m leaning in and trying to get to know this critic, and understand her fears, her grief and anything else she’s carrying because she carries it for me.
The rewards of staying open are big. The next time your critic shows up, try to show up with love and curiosity, and maybe understand what she/he is carrying for you.
Lots of love <3
#Snuggleuptoyourinnercritic <3
Thanks for sharing this story. You've lived a wonderful life, and I hope that inner critic is ready for a long vacation.
Wonderful post! It’s never too late to re-write our story! I totally agree there’s no “right way” to go about things... we all have our unique paths! You inspire me Susan!